When I graduated from my graduate program, I was left feeling empty – like something inside of me evaporated and in turn, I became depressed and chronically closed off to the world. My life suddenly had no meaning, I had no deadlines to work towards, I no longer had a new research project to start. My consistent source of anxiety had dried up and I was looking for my next fix, which turned into anxiety all over again. My newfound freedom, ironically, made me feel caged in and had me gasping for air. I had spent so much time in avoidance of who I truly was, confined by the rigid structure of academia, that I felt like I no longer had any purpose. I was exasperated by the job hunt, feeling dejected, after barely crossing the finish line with my thesis. I had weighed my self worth on my career, education and ambition- almost like I didn’t exist outside of that. Unbeknownst to myself, I didn’t really cultivate a purpose outside of my career and when that didn’t take off, I felt lost, like truly mind-numbingly lost.
However, as the months droned on and I traveled across the US, spent time with friends, and went back to a proper exercise regimen; I was beginning to get a sense of who I was. It was through the experiences that happened over the course of the last 18 or so months that the revelations below came to be (not in order of importance).
- Successes and failures are the pendulum of life; it’s in a constant state of flux
- Going through two higher level degrees, only to learn after the fact that I had ADHD. My need to be efficient and organized came as a result of the potential capacity to be messy, however, I never managed to accomplish punctuality 😉
- Realized that my education taught me how to think critically and have sound opinions based on history and science but didn’t teach me any transferrable hard skills
- Realized that intelligence is not in grades/ schools/degrees but the interest and effort you’re willing to put into growing your knowledge base
- Being okay with not being productive at all times
- Being okay with disappointment
- Coming to terms with non binary beliefs about the self
- Unlearning shame
- Learnt about attachment theory and the effect it has on our ability to relate to another person
- Unpacked repressed childhood memories
- Learnt the true meaning of self-esteem and how to build it and its importance
- Learnt the meaning of self-love and reducing negative self talk
- Choosing to love my body regardless of muscle mass or body weight
- To cultivate a better sense of self identity and awareness, that will make me a better daughter/friend/partner
- Learnt the importance of gratitude and practicing it more meaningfully
- Learnt how to affirm and validate the people in my life more often
- Learning about vulnerability and utilizing it
- Speaking freely, without holding back and trusting my words
- That it’s okay to be emotional and feel feelings without embarrassment
- Realizing how the support and encouragement of my friends are important to my evolution as a human being.
- Learnt that time spent socializing is time spent avoiding my feelings and my needs (s/o to my friend for helping me realize this)
- I don’t always have to turn everything dark into a joke and somethings are just better told authentically
- To accept the love given to me without mistrust or skepticism
- To not blindly agree with people and release my boundaries to be more likeable (The old adage “if you’re not losing friends, you’re aren’t growing enough” comes to mind when I think about this)
- Instant gratification is just prolonging facing the music
- Change and separation is the only constant ; fighting against it is a disservice to your journey in this lifetime
chasingtimezones 
I have always enjoyed your writing, I am glad you’re going back to it.
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