Finding Joy amid the Pandemic Pandemonium

First of all, this isn’t some holier than thou approach to finding joy, in fact, joy is still being found. But it was important to write this essay for the sake of posterity. The last 7 months have been some of the most transformative yet arduous period of my life. I have had to grapple with the realities of the world and my own life, and how seemingly overnight everything came crashing down, but from the ashes we are reborn. Obviously, it’s more complicated than that – Let me start from the beginning.

January to early March felt like a dream. Not only in the way that feels like that the events happened years ago, but in the way that everything was falling into place as I was checking off my bucket list items. I went ice skating in Central Park with my best friend. I watched David Sloss’s set at the SoHo Playhouse while holding in a full bladder of pee. I went to LA with my friends and experienced tragic euphoria. I was spending time with people that I adored and held great respect for. Joy was abundant

Right after, the epidemic was declared a pandemic and the next two weeks were spent quarantining in my tiny Manhattan apartment; waking up to an everyday that felt like doomsday. Suddenly, India was shutting down its borders and I was on the last flight that was allowed to arrive in the country. I had to pack up 8 years of my life in a day; decision fatigue hitting me hard. I felt numb – my emotions weren’t brimming yet and I was trying my hardest to keep it together. But that’s just Apoorva. Shit happens, I keep it together; not for the sake of optimism, despite it coming across that way on the outside, but because I know that if I break down, all chances of me making through this in one piece will be lost. So, I held it in together- saying goodbye to my city, my home, my room filled with all the little things I had collected from around the world, and my lovely friends. Joy was lost

Upon my return, the next couple of weeks went by in a blur of jet lag, emotional hangovers, and binging Netflix. I was drowning my emotions in the form of virtual company, fervent texting, and endless tv shows. I assumed I had some sense of joy, but soon I was unable to laugh or smile sincerely. It felt almost cruel to emote joy when millions of people were suffering losses that were probably greater than mine and the mass exodus of people leaving cities in India to go back to their rural homes was becoming a horror show of its own. The world did not have joy left in it; how could I dare to laugh then? And, that’s been the state of melancholy I have been in since. I decided that any conversation I was going to have with anyone was going to be an honest representation of my current situation. “How are you doing?”, “I’m not doing well today”, I’d say, based on what the flavor of the day was. While doing this, I’d unlocked a vulnerable space in a lot of my friendships. I was having genuine conversations about love, loss, and life, that was not just a ‘little’ bit less than superficial. We were constantly validating each other’s feelings and emotions, overall, being more kinder. These conversations became cathartic to have and at the end of it, one of us would tell the other ”we should start a podcast or give a TED talk”. But where is Joy?

Thinking back to before the shit hit the fan – what were the things that brought me joy? It was the sound of my Nespresso machine, brewing me some brain juice in the morning, an everything bagel with lox and cream cheese on a hungover Saturday, and my Sunday morning routine of yoga and a long walk and think at my favorite hiding place in Central Park – to name a few. Joy is simple, joy is pure pleasure with no grandiosity tied to it. You do that activity and it’s like drinking hot cocoa on a cold wintry night- comforting af. That is classic Joy

This pandemic has forced us all to rethink life and the way we interact with built environments and the people in and around it. In the process, we’ve had to reconfigure our ways to find joy. Joy had gone from being an abundant fixture in our lives to something that had to be strived after. As I settled in to a new routine at home, I was trying new ways of bringing structure into my life. While applying to jobs and colleges during the day, I looked forward to making my Dalgona coffee at 5pm, furiously whisking away my frustration at the coffee mixture. I looked forward to the walks along the lake I lived next to; street dogs showering us with loving bites and sloppy kisses as we fed them biscuits while we watched the sun set. I was having quality family time for the first time since I was 11, something that I was feeling increasingly guilty about not doing and finally had the chance to. But Joy was still being elusive

Was that it? Was joy that simple to achieve in the time of global upheaval of atrocities and pain? Well, not really. For a while, I felt like I was living inside an aquarium, trying to get to the surface and take a breath of fresh air. This isn’t a story of the rejections I have received just in the last 6 months or that I finally have an internship and a research opportunity that I look forward to every morning. Joy has transcended the material world into the mental realm right now. We are going to have to find joy within ourselves and our own minds. The more dependence we put on the things and experiences that bring us joy, we will ultimately be disappointed as we cannot predict what tomorrow is going to be. In the process of looking inwards, I have discovered that I have been participating in activities to keep me physically occupied but not stimulating my mind. I realized some of my latent interest in things that previously were just a thought but weren’t turned into actions. I’ve since resurrected this blog space and I’m turning it into something I am beginning to be proud of, started learning how to program, and researching deeply into topics that help me make sense of the world. I am now finding joy in ideating my essays, learning something new everyday and the anticipation of a life when all of this is a distant memory. Joy will be found again

So tell me, how are you finding your joy during the pandemic? (comment below)